


What Was Unspoken

by Bemused_Writer



Category: CLAMP - Works, X -エックス- | X/1999
Genre: Angst, Developing Relationship, Future Fic, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-05
Updated: 2020-09-05
Packaged: 2021-03-07 00:40:22
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,992
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26298034
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Bemused_Writer/pseuds/Bemused_Writer
Summary: Everyone had cautioned against his moving in with Subaru, but once he'd asked he could hardly say no, even if neither of them were the same as they'd been.
Relationships: Shirou Kamui/Sumeragi Subaru
Comments: 9
Kudos: 27





	What Was Unspoken

**Author's Note:**

> Takes place several years after the end of the series and assumes that Kamui won the battle and that several key characters survived. (I'm a hopeful sort!)

Moving into the Sakurazukamori’s house had been … strange to say the least. Just about everyone he knew had cautioned against it, save for Keiichi who had no idea what it even meant. Honestly, Kamui wasn’t sure what Keiichi thought about it. He’d looked disappointed, but he’d been encouraging, saying Kamui ought to live with the one he cared for most, which was rather a strong statement, but he couldn't find it in himself to deny the sentiment either. Who else could fit the description with Kotori and Fuuma gone?

They’d parted with Keiichi attempting to be understanding and Kamui feeling terribly awkward. Keiichi was odd and now he had to wonder about his status with Subaru as well.

He couldn't quite put it out of his mind either, so even if he had agreed to moving in, even though he cared for Subaru, part of him doubted whether this was a wise decision. After all, there were a whole host of reasons for why it would qualify as a bad idea.

“Do you mean the Sumeragi residence?” he’d asked at the time, feeling certain he’d misunderstood. He'd never set foot in the Sumeragi household, and he felt fairly certain it had been years since Subaru had as well.

Subaru had looked a touch uncomfortable, but he didn’t hesitate in his response. “No, it would be Sei—the Sakurazukamori residence.”

A long pause. “Why?”

“It’s the most suitable.”

He hadn’t managed to get him to say anything further on the matter.

“Subaru-san isn’t the same now,” Yuzuriha had cautioned.

“I know,” he’d replied. Much as he understood her point--everyone's point--it didn’t change anything. Subaru asked him to move in; he was hardly about to say no.

 _Why_ Subaru had asked him to move in was another matter entirely, and not one he’d quite gotten to the bottom of yet, though he’d been diligently working towards it ever since he’d gotten all of his possessions settled. There had been depressingly little to move and he'd sold most of the furniture. It had been bought largely out of necessity than any real attachment.

The residence was large, beautiful, and very traditionally Japanese. Kamui had never been comfortable in such formal settings, but he kept that to himself.

Subaru always wore black now and he was always out and about, which meant the large home was left to Kamui more days than not. Feeling utterly confused about what he was supposed to be doing, he’d taken to keeping it tidy, not that that was very difficult. The residence was steeped in magic; he didn’t even have to tend the garden, which was suspiciously verdant every day of the year. He'd made a mental note to ask Subaru about that, but hadn't quite gotten around to it.

It had been three years since the apocalypse-that-wasn’t, and the years had been hard. He suspected more and more as the days went by that that was why Subaru had made the offer in the first place, but he’d yet to confirm it. Kamui had been listless after he’d performed his duty, and had swiftly realized he wasn’t prepared to engage with regular society. School had been nearly impossible to focus on much as Keiichi had tried to help, and work had been utterly tedious. He'd been drifting and he'd known he was about to duck out of society completely and become some kind of hermit.

And then Subaru had appeared out of nowhere, offering him a home.

Well, he’d still essentially become a hermit, but a hermit with an equally reclusive companion.

 _Where are you?_ he wondered as he made some tea. Well, he knew where Subaru _was_ , much as he rather wished he didn't, but he was taking longer than he’d expected. He’d gotten dinner ready hours ago.

He stared at the table before him in minor bewilderment. He’d made food. He’d made tea. It was so… banal. Was this really what life was supposed to be like? He'd saved the entire world back when all he'd wanted was for something this normal. Now he finally had it and he felt uncomfortable here as well.

And it was nice, he enjoyed doing all these things, but he couldn’t let go of the sensation that something just wasn't adding up. He felt as if he wasn't contributing anything, but more than that, he felt like he was missing something obvious, something he was supposed to have figured out already.

Most days he put it down to his discomfort with Subaru's role as the Sakurazukamori, which yes. That weighed on him more than he wanted to admit as did his friends' quiet judgment over his lack of interference, but the Sakurazukamori was some kind of government necessity (he'd done his own research into the matter and had maybe contacted Subaru's grandmother), so while his actions were ... bad, they were politically endorsed. Sort of.

The whole thing reminded Kamui of why he'd hated authority figures to begin with. Saving the world had not changed his mind on the matter.

The door creaked open and Subaru finally walked through, looking utterly exhausted. Kamui immediately rose to meet him.

“Are you all right?” He always asked and Subaru always had the same answer.

“It’s fine.” Only that wasn’t what happened this time.

“Kamui…” he murmured, before ducking his head, his eyes tight with emotion. “Could you…?”

He wasn’t entirely sure what he wanted, so he helped him out of his coat and brought him to the table, which seemed to suit well enough. Subaru didn’t complain at the very least.

They drank tea and Kamui nibbled on his food. Subaru didn’t eat any, which didn’t surprise him much. He could smell blood lingering on his clothes even though he’d evidently cleaned up before returning home.

“Do you want a bath?” Kamui finally asked.

“No, I want…” Subaru glanced away, seeming terribly unsure. “Could you…” He stopped again, looking frustrated with himself.

“Yes,” Kamui replied firmly. “Whatever it is, I can.”

Subaru gave him a faint, wry smile. “You don’t know what it is.”

“I know you,” Kamui pointed out softly. “I trust you.”

Kamui couldn’t discern the emotion in his eyes at that statement, but whatever it was, he gave a shaky nod and waved him over. Kamui immediately went to sit right beside him on the tatami mat. Subaru’s eyes trailed over him before slowly, ever so slowly, he leaned into him and wrapped his arms about him tightly, burying his face in the crook of Kamui’s neck.

It was both surprising and utterly correct. Kamui brought his arms about him and pressed the palms of his hands into the muscles of Subaru’s back, trying to remove the tension there. It had been a very long time since Subaru had initiated any kind of physical contact with him, which had been difficult to accept when he used to give it so readily.

“It’s hard,” Subaru whispered into his shoulder, “being the Sakurazukamori.”

Kamui nodded, knowing how being forced into a role you didn’t really want was a trial to say the least. He was unsure how much Subaru _had_ to perform this role and how much he simply _felt_ like he had to, but sometimes they were one and the same thing. Yet another thing he’d learned the hard way.

“They’re bad people, but even knowing that… It’s still hard.”

Kamui simply held him closer; there was nothing he could say to ease this pain. He still desperately wished Subaru would give up his devotion to the previous Sakurazukamori, but he knew he couldn’t bring it up, knew he would simply be given a patient explanation for why Subaru couldn’t do that.

“Kamui,” he whispered harshly, “why do you stay?”

“Why did you invite me here?” he returned.

Subaru lifted his head to look at him directly. “Because,” he said earnestly, “you are the only thing that reminds me of what I used to be, but more than that… You understand in a way others wouldn’t.”

Kamui clasped his hand tightly.

“So,” Subaru continued. “Why do you stay?”

“Because…” _Because I love you._ He’d realized that shortly after Subaru had lost his eye, had kept the feeling close because he didn’t want to pressure the man. They’d been in the middle of a war with humanity’s continued existence hanging in the balance and he’d known Subaru thought only of the Sakurazukamori anyway.

“Because?” Subaru murmured, searching his eyes.

“You might be upset,” Kamui forced out.

“Nothing you say will upset me.”

“I care about you,” Kamui said in a rush. “So much. I…”

“You…?” Subaru was clutching at him tightly, looking at him so desperately, but he was fragile. Subaru had always been more fragile than either of them had ever quite admitted. A straightforward utterance seemed too strong for a moment hanging on the edge of a precipice that had been growing for years.

“You already know,” Kamui whispered, so painfully certain of the fact he could barely force it out.

For a moment, he feared Subaru would tell him to leave, reject him, hate him, any number of things that if he’d been thinking clearly he would know Subaru was completely incapable of.

Instead of any of those nigh apocalyptic results, Subaru wrapped his arms about his neck and pressed his lips to Kamui’s own and his mind went momentarily blank because surely Subaru would never reciprocate those feelings.

But Subaru’s lips remained steadily attached to his own and it slowly dawned on him that people didn’t generally invite someone to live in their ( _the Sakurazukamori’s_ ) house unless they meant _something_ to them and they didn't usually kiss people they were completely neutral towards or derisive of. Maybe this entire affair was doomed—surely his friends would caution against it--but it was real, more so than the weird half-life they’d both embraced for so long could ever be.

Desperately, he pulled him near, tangled his fingers in Subaru’s hair, and deepened the kiss, frightened that he would leave, frightened of what would happen if he stayed. Their dynamic had been so _consistent._ It was the one thing he’d been able to rely on and now it was changing and he couldn’t predict what would come of it.

Subaru’s breath hitched and suddenly Kamui was toppling backwards as he pushed him away. But no, Subaru toppled with him. Their kiss was broken, and Kamui was suddenly seeing Subaru from a rather familiar position, though not for the same reason as it had been in the past _(A flash of Kotori's face, of blood, of Subaru bringing him back--)._

Subaru was leaning over him, his arms braced against either side of Kamui’s head, and he was scanning his face desperately, appearing uncertain, a touch miserable (not an uncommon expression on the man), but there was longing there, too.

“I’m not the same as before,” he whispered brokenly. “I’m the Sakurazukamori and I know better than anyone how much hurt the person bearing that title can cause another. I… I’m not _me,_ Kamui.”

“Who else could you be?” He reached up and cupped his cheek sadly. “You can’t be _the_ Sakurazukamori; you feel regret. If you were him, I wouldn’t have come here. If you were _him_ you wouldn’t spare a moment for me. You’re Sumeragi Subaru. You’ve saved me multiple times and I trust you,” he reminded. “Completely.”

“Kamui,” his voice wavered. He couldn’t make out his expression for he’d ducked his head in his chest. “Help me.”

Maybe his duty as the Kamui wasn’t quite over. He was, after all, in the business of saving people, and for once he didn’t regret the role. It felt familiar, almost comfortable, but most of all like a relief. There was a _reason_ he was here, and it was the one duty he'd ended up being half decent at. He wrapped his arms about his neck and brought him close.

“Yes.”

**Author's Note:**

> You can see more of my stuff/say hi on [Dreamwidth](https://bemused-writer.dreamwidth.org/) and [Tumblr](https://bemused-writer.tumblr.com/). (^^)


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